While the phenomenon of asking marginalized individuals where they are from is in the headlines now due to last week’s royal family scandal, it’s not new. It’s never okay to make assumptions about people based on the way they look, or to believe you have the right to personal information about them or their backgrounds and lived experiences.
Genuine curiosity often motivates this question, but it can become a microaggression, especially when the conversation veers into repeated interrogation. Let’s unpack the implications behind this question, the impact it has on those being asked, and reflect on some ways to move forward.
The Question
The question itself, "where are you from," may come from a genuine place of curiosity - yet it also carries racial and class bias, stigmatized assumptions, and reductive beliefs. Here are some considerations and reflections.
Implication 1: “You Don’t Belong”
While people may attempt to ask a question about someone’s social class, cultural background, heritage, or ancestry with genuine interest, the persistence of questioning one’s origin suggests that they don’t belong or they could not possibly be from the same place as the asker.
Implication 2: “Forever Foreign”
Even when people have been in the same place or location for generations, people of color, for example, experience continued marginalization when asked about their arrival in that country.
Race and place often become conflated, and people of color are perceived as “forever foreign.”
Whether the question is asked once or becomes a series of persistent questions, it reinforces that they are perceived as unable to “be from there.”
Implication 3: “Not Enough”
Especially when asked multiple times, this question can also invalidate the response of the person being asked, conveying that their answer is not enough. Challenging someone’s response can come across as questioning their own life story, credentials, value to the group or organization, or role in the community.
Belonging is something that is cultivated over time. Encountering this question can feel diminishing or devaluing, especially for those whose sense of belonging has been hard-won or is still not felt.
Curiosity as Microaggression
Sometimes people of marginalized identities are asked this question before someone even asks their names.
While genuine curiosity might motivate intentions behind asking this, being curious does not entitle you to subject someone to this line of questioning. Refrain from asking, regardless of how strong your curiosity is. If someone wants you to know about their cultural background, they will share that information with you when it feels relevant for them to do so.
“There’s a fine line between curiosity and microaggression.” (Ravishankar 2020, HBR)
Minimizing and Reductive Reactions
Based on the reaction of the person being asked, many askers realize that this interrogation is unwelcome. Askers often respond to that scenario with statements like “you’re too sensitive” and “I didn’t mean it that way”, which are reductive and dismissive to the person’s lived experience and sense of self.
Also, if someone’s response misaligns with the kind of answer you anticipate, take a step back and consider the ways in which that might reflect some of your own biases and assumptions.
Ask Yourself
What information do you hope to gain from your curiosity? Is the intent behind the question to genuinely get to know them, or is it because you’re trying to fit them in a box?
Why do you believe that someone owes you an explanation of their background, or why they are present in a given space, city, or country?
We may be well-intentioned, but our intentions can be based in misinformation, stereotypes, and harmful ideologies. What can you learn or relearn from your standpoint?
Consider Your Response
Be accountable to yourself and others for what you say and do. This can include apologizing and also asking yourself how you could have entered the conversation differently
“Doing better” requires more than approaching people differently, but also a deep rethinking of attitudes, behaviors, and practices at the individual and organizational level.
Reflect on Your Path Forward
Do more than create a safe space; make a brave space to work towards inclusion; be open and accountable
Learn more about how racism, classism, sexism, and other forms of oppression exist together. This will allow us to see more of the ways that oppression is experienced differently for members of society.
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